It's funny.... just a few short months ago I was contemplating suicide!
Life was pretty much a load of shit. As a result of a car accident where I'd nearly killed an innocent man, I lost my car, my licence, my girl and was on the verge of possibly losing my job. My mind kept replaying the crash over and over. The slide, the sound, the impact.... and his eyes. These big brown eyes looking at me as I cradled his head in my hands trying to keep him focused on me and not the pain he was in until the ambulance arrived.
Of course, I'd wound up in a WHOLE better place physically than he did. But he had something to his advantage that I didn't.... a support network. He had a loving wife and friends to support him whereas every night I'd come home to an empty unit. And I take full responsibility for putting myself in that position. I pushed my then girlfriend away. People at work would ask how I was, and I'd either say 'fine', or change the subject. Family members would offer to help, but I'd just say 'It's all good, I've got this.'
At the end of the day, I had to rely on myself. It's pretty much how I've lived my life thus far.... The lone wolf.
Of course, I'd wound up in a WHOLE better place physically than he did. But he had something to his advantage that I didn't.... a support network. He had a loving wife and friends to support him whereas every night I'd come home to an empty unit. And I take full responsibility for putting myself in that position. I pushed my then girlfriend away. People at work would ask how I was, and I'd either say 'fine', or change the subject. Family members would offer to help, but I'd just say 'It's all good, I've got this.'
At the end of the day, I had to rely on myself. It's pretty much how I've lived my life thus far.... The lone wolf.
As a result, it took me what felt like forever to accept what had happened.
I had to dig deep inside myself to adapt....
To survive....
But survive I did....
In the end, I needed to make a HUGE mental shift to turn all the negatives into positives.
Sure, I don't have a car for Cod knows how long.... At least I'll be saving on fuel and rego though.
Sure, even though I'd lost my licence for 6 months and couldn't ride my motorbike to work.... I still have a pushbike. Plus it's only a 10 minute journey along relatively flat ground both ways.
Sure, shopping's going to be a bit more problematic for a while.... but a new rear rack and my old motorbike panniers on the pushy soon fixed that.
Sure, I'm going to have to start riding a pushbike run at work.... OMG, all this peddling's going to get me fit against my will.
Sure, every second weekend I'll be doing community service.... you ever had to cart tables and chairs around for 7 hours a day? More fitness by the look of things.
Plus I'm such a diligent worker, I might be able to pick up a few hours paid work once I've done my 'service' hours.... If so, straight into the New Car/Cabo fund.
Sure, all the stress started me smoking again. Oh wait... that's a negative hey? Oh well, I gave up once, I can do it again.
Sure, it put the brakes on my 'Year of New'.... but hey, I'll just extend it over two years. Or more.
Sure, I pushed Lauren away when we needed each other the most.... Ahhhhhh, no positives in that actually.
But, all in all, I've been able to drag my raggedy ass out of my pit of depression. It's been a long, hard battle.... but I got there....
I've got too much to live for....
To much to look forward to....
I've now got a direction and goals to keep me moving forward, and NOT dwelling on the past.
*I still think about that morning. Constantly. But at least I've accepted that it was an accident, even it the judge was adamant in calling it a crash.
Sure, I don't have a car for Cod knows how long.... At least I'll be saving on fuel and rego though.
Sure, even though I'd lost my licence for 6 months and couldn't ride my motorbike to work.... I still have a pushbike. Plus it's only a 10 minute journey along relatively flat ground both ways.
Sure, shopping's going to be a bit more problematic for a while.... but a new rear rack and my old motorbike panniers on the pushy soon fixed that.
Sure, I'm going to have to start riding a pushbike run at work.... OMG, all this peddling's going to get me fit against my will.
Sure, every second weekend I'll be doing community service.... you ever had to cart tables and chairs around for 7 hours a day? More fitness by the look of things.
Plus I'm such a diligent worker, I might be able to pick up a few hours paid work once I've done my 'service' hours.... If so, straight into the New Car/Cabo fund.
Sure, all the stress started me smoking again. Oh wait... that's a negative hey? Oh well, I gave up once, I can do it again.
Sure, it put the brakes on my 'Year of New'.... but hey, I'll just extend it over two years. Or more.
Sure, I pushed Lauren away when we needed each other the most.... Ahhhhhh, no positives in that actually.
But, all in all, I've been able to drag my raggedy ass out of my pit of depression. It's been a long, hard battle.... but I got there....
I've got too much to live for....
To much to look forward to....
I've now got a direction and goals to keep me moving forward, and NOT dwelling on the past.
*I still think about that morning. Constantly. But at least I've accepted that it was an accident, even it the judge was adamant in calling it a crash.
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